can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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