I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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