he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
