I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
