I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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