he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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