I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My ATM looks so different sober.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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