I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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