that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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