they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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