My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm both gender and math confused
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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