So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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