someone get that fucking seahorse.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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