I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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