Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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