goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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