I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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