Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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