I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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