Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
how drunk are you?
Several
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
