How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I forgot wine drunk hurts
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
