I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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