i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
