he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
