so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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