we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
