Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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