hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
