its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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