Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize