I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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