the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
