She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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