Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
