he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
