Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
