My liver just broke up with me...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We don't watch enough power rangers
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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