I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
