nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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