Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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