Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
