i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
