did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
