I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You may now shotgun with the bride
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
