dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
