the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
