Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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