I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Randomize