Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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