I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I met the friendliest cop last night
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
