I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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