Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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