worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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