I cockslap morals
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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