You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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