He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
