Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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