he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
