she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize