come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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