dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
