We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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