all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize