Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize